Did you know that when you turn the key in the ignition to start your car, you rely on sound to know when the engine starts and it’s time to stop turning the key?  I never would have thought of that, but now I have to estimate when to stop turning the key and try to figure out if I got it right and the engine is actually running.  I pretty much have that down now, but it’s one example of the many ways that not hearing well affects your daily life. 

I’m a person that prefers to record things chronologically, so today I want to share some of the moments over these first weeks that stand out in my mind in the order that they happened.  The first weekend after this recent episode, we had a family dinner at home.  We all were sitting around the table and, as always, there was much laughter.  I couldn’t follow much of the conversation, and I realized that it just isn’t practical for every word to be repeated for me.  When it was obvious that something was particularly funny or notable, I’d ask someone to tell me what happened, but mostly I had to be content with watching everyone else interact and accept the fact that I’m not going to know everything that happens anymore.   I’ve been at that table many times with our family and I know the kind of laughter and banter that goes on.  While it’s true that I was left out of the fun of what was specifically being said, I was able to mentally take a step back and truly just enjoy watching them interact and have fun.  My joy came from their joy.  It was one of many mental shifts I would have to make, but I realized that I was still a part of the family circle and there is still much joy to be found, I’d just have to find it in new ways.

I’ve only had a couple of “bad” days so far.  The first was at the end of the first week.  There was someone that had been having a rough day and I wanted to talk to them about things.  When someone is talking about things that matter to them or things on their minds or hearts, you really don’t want to stop them and make them repeat things over and over again or “shout” them loudly enough for you to hear.  You certainly can’t nod along in agreement if you are only getting the gist of the conversation – you don’t know what you are agreeing with!  It was frustrating for me to have to try so hard…I wanted to be there for that person.   We made it work, but it was discouraging for me.  That evening was also a church night.  I love being with my church family and right now it is my most challenging environment.  When everyone is visiting before things start or afterwards there is a lot of background noise.  My hearing aids amplify that along with the sounds I want to hear, so for me it is very loud.  Combine that with the fact that my own voice is very soft and the natural instinct is to speak very loudly over the noise.  Unfortunately, when I think I am making a point of keeping my volume lower to counteract that, I still apparently am being much louder than I realize.  When a speaker is at the microphone, I can follow it with a great deal of effort if they are speaking directly into the mike.  I don’t understand anything spoken in the audience.  Singing is quite the experience.  I’ve had to relearn singing several times over the years and have always relied on friends and family to help let me know when I’m getting it right and then once I get it, I’m ok.  That’s proving to be much more difficult this time.  I can hear the audience singing, but it doesn’t sound the way it used to.  Have you ever been to a Vacation Bible School session where all the kids are together and singing songs at the top of their lungs?  It sounds like shouting more than singing, (but it’s still wonderful to hear! ) That’s similar to how the singing sounds to me now.  Sometimes being able to hear the song leader helps and sometimes it makes it harder for me to get the melody (remember, what I do hear sounds very monotone and mechanical).  It sounds strange, because I know most of the songs we sing very well and I know most of the tunes very well, but it takes me a line or two before I quite get it in my head what the melody actually is now.  I guess too many conflicting sounds that “muddy the waters” a bit before I find it.  Add to that the fact that my own voice is so quiet and different and it’s challenging to find the right notes as well as the volume…..it’s tough.  What also is hard about singing is that when I am singing at a volume that Chet tells me is normal for me, it feels like I’m not making an effort.  I know that sounds strange, but we all know people that sort of go through the motions when they sing – their mouths are moving but there’s no real effort behind it and not much sound coming out.  I have always been one to sing out and when I sing at the volume I should, even the amount of breath coming out of my mouth doesn’t feel like enough to me.  I feel like I’m being one of those people who is only half- heartedly participating and I HATE that feeling.  I know it’s not true (I’m actually probably make the most effort of anyone there), and I also know that ultimately I might just have to learn to “make a joyful noise” whatever it turns out to be, but I’m still hoping to find my way to being able to sing in the assembly in a more normal way.  By the time class is over and I’ve worked intensely to follow as much of the lesson as possible, I’m truly wiped out mentally.  It’s still good to be with everyone and I’m hoping this will get easier with time.

One real blessing in my life right now is my new CapTel (captioning telephone).  We have it up and running now and it takes some getting used to, but it enables me to use the phone again and that is HUGE!  There is an operator that captions everything that is being said (including the background noises….I got a caption that said (toilet flushing) on one call!!!!  Still laughing about that.  I never would have known… lol)  There is a slight delay between the speaker’s words and what I see on my screen so it takes some getting used to but I am so thankful the technology is there! 

I could keep going, but I’m afraid if I write too much at once no one will want to take the time to read, so I’m going to stop for now.  I appreciate so much the encouraging words you have for me and the continued love a prayers.  It makes a difference.