Over the last few days I have noticed a few things that have made me wonder if my hearing was starting to change again.  Nothing too major, just some odd popping sounds (that happened for a couple of weeks around the time I lost hearing last time) and a few other moments when I thought I might not be hearing as well, but wasn’t sure.  Yesterday morning while I was talking to my daughter, Kinsey, the volume of my own voice definitely went down (and has stayed there).  Not as low as before, but it was a definite indication to me that things are changing again.   I put a call in to the doctor, and am waiting to hear back.  Last appointment, he told me to call if there were any changes in my hearing and he would probably increase my steroid dose and slow down the taper.  I’m guessing that is what will happen when they get back with me today.  It’s got me thinking about things.  If my hearing is only going to stay stable while I’m on steroids,  then maybe I should just let things happen and adjust and move on.  I can’t be on steroids indefinitely, and  it’s been better this past week, but the 2 weeks before that I was noticing a lot of irregular heartbeat episodes (harmless, but to me an indication that this is definitely taking a toll on my system) plus I’m still much more out of breath than normal.  I don’t want to continue to put myself at risk for other more serious problems by taking these steroids for too long.  It would make  a difference in my decision if I could know if my hearing will  be stable for a long period of time or only for a short one.  I guess I’ll see what the doctor says today and will probably continue with the steroids for now,  to see if we can get this stable for a longer period of time.  One of the things that I am hoping won’t happen again is losing the human quality of voices.  It was harder than I would have imagined for everyone to sound so monotone and mechanical and inhuman.  It’s one of the things I’ve enjoyed most and been grateful for …to hear those human qualities in people’s voices once again.  As before, these things are out of my control and I will adjust to whatever happens.  I would appreciate prayers for wisdom regarding these things and for my hearing to be stable.  Also for me to have the right attitude and perspective for whatever the answer is to those prayers.  Thanks!

A few weeks after my latest episode of hearing loss happened, I was online doing research and one of the things I checked out was American Sign Language (ASL) classes in our area.  I found an instructor who goes on site to teach Easy Signing classes and I was able to set up a class at our church building.  It will be one night a week in August and I’m really excited about it.  I don’t know if there will be a time when I will need to communicate with sign language all of the time, but I decided it would be a great tool for me to have in my “tool belt” as I go on this journey toward deafness.

Most of my immediate family will be taking it (my daughter just started a new job and doesn’t know yet if she will be able to, but we’re hoping it will work out for her, too) and at this time there are 22 total signed up for the class, which means there are quite a few of my church family who want to learn and will be able to communicate with me in this way!

Last night Chet and I met with the instructor.  I thought she was mostly wanting to see what the set up was for the class and talk about that, but it turned out to be mainly an interview with us.  She had a list of questions she asked me and basically wanted to know my story and assess where I am with my hearing ability as well as how I’m doing emotionally and mentally with the changes this has brought and how I feel it is impacting my life.  She also asked Chet some questions about how he is doing with all the changes.  I wasn’t expecting that, but I thought it was really good.  She video taped the interview (I might have primped a little beforehand if I had know about that!) and showed me a couple of video clips of past students of hers.  It was amazing to see the progress those students had made.  I even learned a couple of signs during the interview.  It took me several times to realize that she was wanting me to mimic her, but eventually I caught on! 🙂  She shared a little about herself, as well, and overall it made me feel quite comfortable with her.  This class is different than a traditional class would be.  It’s geared to be very interactive (and she tells me lots of fun!) and it is also tailored to some extent to specific interests/needs…in our case since we’re a church group there will be some vocabulary for that and part of the registration info asked what our favorite scriptures and hymns are, so I think that will be included in some way.  I am very excited about this and can’t wait to get started.  I think it’s a positive step in increasing my ability to function and I think that Debbie, the instructor, will be able to give me a lot of information about other resources available to help me as well.

I feel so blessed to have so many people who are here for me and giving me so much love and support and who want to be able to communicate with me, whatever happens!  I know there are many who aren’t able to participate in this class but are so very supportive and make so much effort to include me and help me all along the way!  Thank you for your prayers, your love (your hugs!) and your encouragement, and all of the extra effort you put forth (and it IS a lot of effort sometimes!) to keep me included and help me out when I have to rely on others to know or understand what’s going on!  I also so appreciate my hubby and kids who patiently repeat things to me sometimes several times before I get what they are saying, but they keep doing it and don’t just say “nevermind” and I really appreciate that!

Last night was another night for flock groups at our church.  Flock groups are what we call our small group gatherings.  We have a devotional and it is geared toward a more casual atmosphere and lots of discussion.  The last one I attended was the one I wrote about earlier that was so difficult and frustrating.  Last night, I knew going in that with no hearing aids (they are broken), I would not be able to hear much, if any, of what was being said.  The thought did occur to me that if I wasn’t going to be able to hear anything at all, should I even go?  Would it be worth driving an hour round trip into town for it (on crutches, no less, which takes even more effort to get out and about)?  I decided that it absolutely was worth going.  Even if I couldn’t hear, I would still be there and participate in what I could, and I would still be edified by being with other christians.  I want to continue my habit of being at everything I possibly can.  Maybe my presence would be an encouragement to someone else.  You never know.  We arrived a few minutes late and after we settled in there were some songs before the devotional and discussion.  I was able to hear some of the singing.  Chet shared a song book with me and pointed to the song that was announced so I would know which one it was.  I could hear him sing (he was sitting close to me and on my “good” side) and since I knew the songs and could hear him singing base, I could use that input plus watch the song leader’s mouth (across the room) and figure out where we were with the words in the song.  That meant I was able to sing along, too, and no one looked at me weirdly, so I think I sounded fairly normal!  Once the discussion started, I heard nothing.  Close to the end of the 45 minutes or so of devo/discussion Chet spoke up and I could understand him – that was when I figured out what the topic was.  As I was sitting there, I had some time to think (about 45 minutes – lol) and I realized that I was completely fine and content with sitting there and not knowing what was happening.  I remembered the previous one and how frustrating it was, and decided that the main difference was simply my expectations.  I knew before I arrived, that I probably would not be able to hear anything, and I was prepared for that to happen.  If I was wrong, and could hear more than expected, that would be a nice surprise and a bonus!  The first flock group, I didn’t know what to expect.  My next thought was about how that concept applies to just about everything in life!  As christians, we need to have realistic expectations.  The scriptures tell us what those should be.  Christians are not promised an easy life.  We’re told to expect trials and adversity.  We’re told to expect false teachers.  We’re told to expect many to fall away.  We’re told to expect persecution.  We’re also told that we can get through these things and that if we persevere and stay faithful, that we will be molded into what God wants us to be and that we will have salvation in the end.  Part of having realistic expectations is also being prepared for what you will face.  We don’t know exactly what our trials will be or what exactly we will encounter, but we do know that there will be trials, so we can prepare ourselves to the best of our ability to be ready for whatever comes our way.  Then, the situation doesn’t catch you off guard.  You know what to expect.  You’ve done what you can to prepare yourself. You don’t sit around thinking “Why me?”  You know these things are normal for christians.   It’s much easier to cope with things with that mindset.  We also learn from past experience.  My first flock group, I didn’t know what to expect.  After that bad experience, I spent some time evaluating what took place and trying to figure out if there was anything I could have done differently.  Then I used that information to help me have the right expectations the next time and to be more prepared.  I know that my flock group experience is a small thing in the big picture, but it made me think about this principle and I wanted to share.  After our devo, we had a meal and some fellowship and I enjoyed being with my christian family, as always.  I could converse with people one on one if they were close to me on the “good” side.  On the drive home, Chet filled me in on the topic of the devo and some of the discussion and asked my thoughts as well.  It was not the way I have participated in the past, but it was a way to participate.  I still got the benefit of some of the discussion.  Like so many other things in my life right now, I am just learning to adjust and adapt and go about things in a different way.

On Tuesday evening, I was unloading groceries from Sam’s Club.  Our house is a split level one, so when I bring in groceries, I generally only walk up a couple of stairs and set the groceries on the floor at the top, then back down and continue unloading.  Once they’re all in the house, then I go upstairs and take them the rest of the way to the kitchen.  It saves me from going up and down the entire flight of stairs a dozen or so times!  On Tuesday, I was backing down the bottom steps for the last time, and thought I’d reached the floor, but actually still had a step to go!  I fell and injured my knee in the process.  Ow!!!  I ended up going to the ER to get it checked out, and it’s sprained – probably some ligament damage.  Nothing appears completely torn, but they put me in an immobilizer and on crutches for a week, then I will follow-up with an orthopedic doctor if it still feels unstable.  Now, I am  limited in my mobility as well as limited in my ability to hear.  It has had me thinking about the body and how all of the parts have an important role to play.  Somehow, I think we don’t always appreciate all that those parts do until we have to do without them!  It’s been quite comical watching me try to get up from a seated position to a standing one with my one leg braced and perfectly straight!  Apparently many of our couches and chairs are pretty low!  Who knew?!  I’ve figured out which ones work better for me now! lol  We take forgranted the work those parts do until we injure or lose them, then we are reminded how vital they are!  Yes, the body can make adjustments and function without them, but it doesn’t work as well as it could and does with them!  When the Bible uses the body as an illustration when talking about the church it is such a vivid picture in my mind, especially now!  Every part has a role to play and every one is  important!  How much better we function as a church when every part is there and working properly!  It makes it  so much easier and more efficient to get things done.  I’m  thankful that we all have different talents and interests and bring different skills to the kingdom and that God’s plan is so perfect that we all make up one body that works together beautifully!

I’ve been thinking about the idea of where the line is between  expressing my needs  in any given situation, knowing that most people are not geared to thinking about communication from the perspective of someone who is hard of hearing.  Many variables come up where my hearing loss is a big issue (especially in group situations) and on one hand, I think that if I speak up some people would appreciate the reminder and it would simplify things for me and allow me to participate in as much as possible.  On the other hand, I realize that everything is NOT about me and it shouldn’t be(and I don’t want it to be). Sometimes, I’m going to miss out no matter what, and that’s okay.   I don’t want people to feel badly if they forget and I don’t want to be or become self-centered.   I know there’s no hard fast rule that works in every scenario but I’m trying to figure this out in general.  I know that because my needs have changed,  this is a transition period and  I’m guessing that, at least around the people who I spend the most time with, we’ll all kind of find our groove with this.  It still is something I need to figure out.  There are so many things that even I didn’t know would be problems or challenges until this most recent episode of hearing loss, so I know others around me wouldn’t think of it, either.  Maybe it depends on what the “missing out” part actually is.  My first thought is that if it’s just about missing out on some fun or general conversation, I should probably just let it go…that would be more from a selfish standpoint of not wanting to miss out, although that stuff is a part of being involved in people’s lives and knowing what’s happening.  Maybe when it’s about something more practical, like in a restaurant or an office where I need to be able to interact, then I should be  more vocal.  Am I just over anlyzing it all, and need to step back and “go with the flow?” I would love to hear some thoughts from those of you reading my blog!  I don’t want to be self-centered.  I want to be able to function and interact to the best of my ability, too.  How do I balance those things?

I was thinking about how things went for me on the ladies’ trip I just took to Walnut Grove regarding my hearing.  In some ways, I’m getting used to my new deficits and between that and the improvement I’ve had (which makes many things easier), I’m starting to feel more “normal” with it all.  It’s not something I’m always thinking about anymore.  At the beginning, every situation was a new obstacle to overcome.  Now, I’ve learned how to handle most things that come up and I don’t have to think about things  so hard all of the time.  It makes me forget that there are still some real differences and they crop up at unexpected times and places.  Group dynamics are more difficult than one-on-one situations.  We had a group in my car for the drive and I missed most of what was said from the back seats (I was the driver) but when I needed to know, the person in the passenger seat next to me filled me in, and even though she had to repeat some things more than once, I was in on some of the conversation.  I found that when we were sitting together in restaurants in an even bigger group, I really couldn’t follow much of the conversation.  I kind of just had to sit back and let it happen around me.  I was basically okay with that.  I conversed with the ones closest to me and that worked out for the most part.  I’m still having to work at it because the background noise is amplified and very loud to me in a restaurant setting,  so I’m trying to hear a person talk over a lot of loud noise.  I have accepted the fact that in those situations, that is my new norm.  Yes, I’m missing out on some stuff, but I’m still there and it’s still fun to be with everyone.  There are some practical aspects of that that come up, though, that I’m not used to thinking about.  We were in a pizza place on our way back home, and reached the point where we were getting boxes for leftovers, etc.  Then we all were sitting there for quite a while.  I thought we were just waiting on the checks.  Someone asked me if I was going to order ice cream.  It turned out that they had ordered dessert and I was completely unaware of it.  I guess the waitress took orders while she was handing out boxes and things and I just missed it.  Apparently they were all waiting on the ice cream rather than checks, but it was taking a long time.  I decided to go ahead order some too, so I went up front to let them know (hoping it would save some time to have that in the works rather than wait for the absent waitress to return!).  I decided to go ahead and pay, too, again with the idea of saving time later.  After that, I found out that the others decided to get their ice cream  to go because it was taking so long and they didn’t want to wait anymore.  I probably wouldn’t have gotten any if I had know that, (it’s not that easy to eat ice cream with a spoon and drive at the same time).  It was frustrating for me because I was totally out of the loop and just didn’t know what was going on.  It was a hearing thing.  With all of my new awareness of how easy it is for me to miss or be mistaken about what’s happening because of my hearing, it was a bummer to me to have something like that come up.  Not the end of the world, I know.  But just a small example of normal every day things that crop up.    I guess I need to put more thought into how to handle those things in the future.  It’s actually more tricky than it might seem.  We all base our actions on what we perceive as reality.  The whole ice cream scenario wasn’t really a matter of me misunderstanding something that was said, it was a matter of me not knowing things that were said or happening around me.  You can’t really adjust for things you don’t know are happening.  The only way I could have known would be if I had seen the waitress talking and realized I needed to find out what was going on or if someone thought to fill me in.  Most people are not thinking in that way, because they aren’t dealing with this on a regular basis – very understandable.  I just didn’t happen to be looking or paying attention at the right moment in this case.  The question then becomes what can I do about it?  Should I remind people each time we sit down in a restaurant that they might have to fill me in on stuff like that because I could very well miss it?  I usually feel the need to explain to people when I first meet them that I have some problems with my hearing and I might speak too loudly or misunderstand or ask them to repeat several times, just so they understand what’s going on.  I’m not really sure how far to take that.  Maybe instead of reminding people in situations like the restaurant, I just have to try not to let it catch me too off guard  to find out I missed things and just try to be more flexible when things surprise me and go in a direction I’m not prepared for.  I’m not sure where the line is between when a reminder is helpful for others and will make things go more smoothly in a social setting and when I’m being repetitive and drawing attention to myself unnecessarily, or telling a person something they already were thinking about and already know.  I don’t want to make everything about me, but I know that most people I’m around are more than willing to make those adjustments that help me so much if they are thinking about it.   It just doesn’t always cross their minds.  I think I also just have to accept the fact that sometimes things are going to happen that are unavoidable and I will have to try to take them in stride when they do,  hopefully with a smile and a chuckle and a “it’s gonna happen sometimes” attitude.

It’s a  good reminder that we aren’t in control and can’t control everything around us.  We can’t even be prepared for every possible scenario.  What we can do is evaluate things that do happen and see if there is any way we can avoid those situations or handle them better in the future.  Once we’ve done that, it’s again a matter of not worrying about the things that are out of our control and trying to be flexible and handle them the best we can when they occur.  Good lesson for many areas of our lives.

I just got back from an overnight trip with some of the ladies from my home congregation.  We stayed in a hotel close to Walnut Grove, MN (about a 2 1/2 hour drive from my house) and spent some time seeing things from the perspective of Laura Ingalls Wilder.  Last night we went to a pageant (play) about her life (specifically some of the  stories she wrote about in her book On the Banks of Plum Creek)  then today spent time at the Laura Ingalls Wilder Museum and visited the site of her dugout home and saw where so much of her time was spent in and around Plum Creek.  It was interesting to see these things first hand. It makes you stop and realize how huge our homes are today in comparison.  The dugout home her family of 5 lived in is about half the size of my bedroom.  The family later built a home nearby and she talked about how wonderful it was and how spacious.  That home is also extremely small by our standards today (two rooms and an attic).  She was thrilled by things like real glass windows where the light could come in (after living underground!) and wood floors, a stove in the kitchen….things we take forgranted and don’t even really notice.  We got a glimpse of what daily life was like in the mid to late 1800s and early 1900s.  It took all day to do laundry and was a very labor-intensive task that involved several people. Animals needed daily tending.  The cow needed milking.  You made your own butter. You were dependent on how well your crops did to earn money and it took much work to farm your land.  You grew much of your own food and  made do with whatever food you could put up for the winter.  You patched your shoes several times over until they couldn’t be patched anymore or a child outgrew them.  The kids walked to school and Laura wrote about how exciting it was to live so close to town ….school was about 2 miles from their home and they walked most days!  Kids had daily chores to do – not just to teach them responsibility, but because the work needed to be done and they needed everyone in the family to pitch in.  There were times when her father had to leave for weeks (months) because he had to go where there was work to support his family.  During that time, her mother and the girls had to take care of all of the work and deal with any crisis that came along.   It is a great reminder of just how easy we have it today and how much we take forgranted.  We need to be thankful!  I think we also need to put some thought into what we are doing with all of the extra “free” time we have compared to what they had a hundred years ago. I image that Laura in her day could hardly imagine what it would be like to have such a break from the work of daily living.  I think she would see that extra time as extremely valuable.  What kind of value to do we place on our time?  I know that sometimes we feel we don’t have any extra time either, but why is that?  Are we using that time for things that matter or for superfluous or selfish things?  I think that we need to stop and honestly evaluate what we’re doing with our time.  There are many noble and worthwhile and responsible and necessary things to use it for, including using a portion of it for recreation so that we can renew ourselves and be ready to do more work.  Are we spending too much time in recreation?  Are we keeping a proper balance?  As we go through life, the demands on our time and the needs for our time change.  I think it’s worth stopping to evaluate fairly often so that we can make the adjustments we need to as we go along.  It’s okay to say “no” at times when asked to do things.  Sometimes we’re in a phase of life, for example, when we have small children at home, when we need to spend more of our time at home focused on our children, and adding more things (even noble ones, like teaching a class or organizing an activity) would take away from one of our primary responsibilities. There are other phases of life, when we have more time available and can take on those kinds of things.  We just have to make sure we’re being honest with ourselves about what we’re doing and what the purpose of it is.  Sometimes I ask myself if God was deciding whether to give me more time on earth based on how I’m using my time now, would He feel there would be any reason to give me more of it? Am I using it selfishly or wasting it?  Am I using it wisely and purposefully?  Am I making a difference in the kingdom?  These are some of the thoughts I left Walnut Grove with today. 

I worked on a new post for about an hour and a half yesterday and when I tried to publish it, I got a message saying “not valid.”  No idea why.  Then I made the mistake of clicking on the “help” button and “poof” the whole thing disappeared!  I laughed about it later when I realized the irony of the situation….I had included some info from a lesson I did for a ladies’ class last week about The Blessing of Trials….I guess I have more material for that now! lol

I’m still dealing with quite a few side effects from the prednisone.  I went down another level on my tapering on Friday and seem to have had an increase in side effects  when I change my dose.  I image that’s just part of the process.  I had pretty bad headaches over the weekend and mood swings, irritability (tried to be nice or at least not say much during that part 🙂  The good thing was that after 6 weeks of only sleeping for 4 or 4 1/2 hours a night, I did some catching up and was able to sleep more this weekend.  I thought that meant I was at a level of the drug where it might not affect my sleep so much, but last night I slept from 11:30pm until 2:30am, then couldn’t sleep at all until around 5:30am or 6am.  Then I slept until 10:30am!  I guess it will all straighten out in the end. Sleep is so elusive right now,  I feel like I need to let myself sleep whenever I can.  My face got even more puffy (who thought that was even possible!) but it is all worth it in the scheme of things.  In a few more weeks my body will be off the drugs and back to normal and the improvement in my hearing, although not a complete recovery, has made an enormous difference in my ability to function.  Worth every second of the side effects.  I’m thankful.

Just got back from a doctor’s appointment and hearing test and it’s more good news!  My hearing levels are the same, but my word comprehension has improved from 80% to 100%!  This is a huge deal!  The doctors were all cheering and high-fiving/hugging me and everyone is really thrilled that this treatment has been a success.  I’m thankful to God for his wisdom and guidance in this situation and for his providence that brought me to these doctors at this time with the latest information and knowledge about treatment. 

Last night I was asking for prayers for wisdom regarding how to proceed in the future.  At my last doctor’s appointment, Dr. Levine told me that I really need to weigh the benefits and risks of trying to treat a future episode.  The results from today made the answer obvious.  The benefits far outweigh the risks at this point and it’s pretty easy to see that it would be foolish not to try to recover any hearing lost in the future.  I’m always so thankful when the answers we seek are so obvious!  Apparently, there was a recent study done and although he said it’s complicated, the bottom line is that there have been some positive results from going with an extremely high dose of steroids (higher than was previously the norm for this type of situation) and a much slower, longer taper down off of the drug.  This is what he decided to try on my this time, and it worked!  This is also the first time he’s prescribed an anti-viral drug along with it.  He seems to lean more toward the steroid change as the thing that worked, but I will insist on doing everything exactly the same next time since we don’t know for sure which part made the difference.  I also had four steroid injections in the eardrum vs. the standard three.  There clearly was additional benefit for me with the 4th one, so that will likely be part of the regime next time as well. 

As far as my function in day to day life, I’m in a good place right now.  Without hearing aids, there is a definite and very noticeable difference in how well I hear now vs. before the May episode.  I can hear some sound and occasionally figure out what is being said, but basically I can’t interact much with others without hearing aids any more.  I could before. I’m definitely dependent on them now.  With hearing aids, there is a noticeable improvement in my ability to follow conversations.  I don’t have to strain to hear what’s being said in quieter settings, the hearing aids go loud enough to allow me a more comfortable volume.  One of the hardest things for me was the loss of any human quality to voices.  Things were completely monotone and mechanical sounding.  Voices now sound human again.  This is a huge deal in the quality of life category.  Could I get by the other way and be grateful that to hear sound and follow conversation?  Absolutely.  Am I thrilled to have voices sound like people I know and love again and feel like I’m talking to people rather than “machines”…ABSOLUTELY.  This is a big deal to me.  I’m thankful. 

My next follow-up appointment is in three months.  The doctor wants to check my hearing again and touch base with me after I’ve finished tapering off of the steroids.  If I notice any problems with my hearing along the way, I am to call immediately and they will increase my dose again and slow down the taper.  Once I’m totally off the drugs, we’ll see how stable things are.  I also have an appointment in three weeks with the audiology department to discuss options for getting my hearing aids working better for me.  We’ll discuss new technology that’s out there as well as consider whether the hearing aids I have now are capable of doing more to help me and if we can tweak and improve the quality of sound they offer and improve my ability to function.  I’ve been dealing with a lot of feedback problems with them and swelling in my ears from the steroids could be contributing to that, so we have to wait a few weeks and give me a chance to have some of the major puffiness I have going on decrease! 

Today’s results could possibly mean that even with future episodes, my hearing might not ever be any worse than it  is now.  Before today, it seemed the odds were very high that I would be profoundly deaf within the next few years.  As always, the bottom line is that God is in control and none of us knows what the future holds.  I will continue to trust in Him and His wisdom and I will adjust and adapt to whatever my circumstances.  I don’t know why things have happened the way they have for me, and I don’t really care why.  I’m going to take whatever lessons and insight I can from this experience and apply them.  I’m still going to do what I can to prepare myself for whatever possibilities the future holds.  I have a computer program to help me do some training to improve my speech reading skills.  I found an instructor who teaches interactive American Sign Language classes on site and have arranged for her to teach a class at our church building.  I’m thrilled that that we have 24 people signed up to take it which is a full class!  My eyes have been opened to so much throughout this latest episode.  I’ve had a glimpse into the world of deafness that has forever changed me.  I never realized how great the impact is in every part of life for someone who is deaf or very hard of hearing.  Even with incredible support it is isolating and there are so many who do not have the kind of support I’ve been blessed with.  My heart will forever be sensitive to those who are there.  I’ve learned a lot about myself and have been humbled in some ways and allowed to see so very many blessings I hadn’t ever thought of before.   I’ve always wanted to write and this has got me thinking about and actually starting to write a bit.  It has given me new ideas about ways I can serve others and new directions to go in my life.  Whatever happens, it’s a blessing and I want to thank all of you for your love and prayers and support.  It has meant so much to me!

If you’re a christian, you are quite familiar with the concept of letting go of self.  We all start out in life as little babies who are completely selfish…we only are aware of our own needs (hungry,tired, uncomfortable, need attention!) and as we grow and mature we develop an awareness of others and a new and ever-changing picture of ourselves and our place in the world.  It reminds me of zooming out on a map.  You start completely zoomed in on the tiniest spot and that’s all you see.  The image is very detailed on that spot and very focused.  You see every street in that little town and can get so focused that you are only looking at one individual house!  Then you click the “zoom out” button, and suddenly find that there’s more to see than you realized.  Maybe there’s a lake nearby, that you were completely unaware of.  Maybe the town is smaller (or bigger) than you thought.  Then you click it again, and you find the same thing.  The lake is one of several and there’s a state park there, too.  You didn’t realize that the Canadian border is only 30 miles away…The picture you see gets bigger and bigger and you see that original tiny spot from a different perspective.  Nothing about that picture changed, just your view of it.  As we grow from infants into adults, we mentally keep zooming out and discovering new perspective and insight on how we fit into the big picture of life.  When we become christians, we make a choice to give up ourselves and to dedicate our lives to glorifying God and serving others.  That means putting God and His will first.  That means putting others ahead of ourselves.  That means letting go of self.  We know that, and we strive for it.  It’s easier said than done.  I love the hymn “None of Self, and All of Thee” that describes the process so well.  I think that even when we’re trying our best, we still hang on to some selfishness.  I’ve found that losing my hearing is just exactly what I needed.  I think it’s helping me to let go of myself a little bit more.  There’s a certain amount of “I’m right” that I’ve hung on to and I’m being forced to accept the fact that these days (and probably before, too!) it’s not that unusual for me to be the one that’s wrong!  I misheard something, or acted on what I thought was happening when my perception was wrong.  I anticipated that someone would view things, intend things, act the way I would in a given situation and reacted accordingly, when the reality is that they were coming from a direction I had not thought of or anticipated.  In that case, it’s MY words that don’t make sense or cause the problem!  When we hold on to a sense of “rightness”  (should we really call it self-righteousness?) doesn’t that also cause us to be very defensive when we are questioned?  How many of us react defensively and “put up walls” when someone questions our opinions about things or even (gasp) suggests that we might be wrong about something?  Letting go, and allowing for the possibility that we don’t know everything and we aren’t right about everything is actually very freeing!  You can be completely open and attentive without feeling defensive or mentally moving on beyond that moment.  Suddenly you are actually listening and have the wonderful opportunity to consider the words you are hearing.  You have the opportunity to get more information , more insight, more understanding about something!   Everything you hear won’t be correct or accurate, but it is my opinion that stopping to think about things is always a good thing.  Sometimes, you conclude that what you thought about something was right, but you now have a better understanding of why you believe what you believe.  Sometimes, you find that what you believed was wrong.  You never thought much about it before and now that you have looked at it again and considered other aspects of it, you find that your eyes have been opened and you need to change your thinking.  What a huge blessing that is!!  We have to be open to it, using God’s word as the standard by which we consider things. There are  so many scriptures that talk about how foolish it is to rely on our own thoughts and opinions and how important it is to seek wise counsel when we need it, and to listen to reproof and correction.  There are also so very many that talk about how important it is to seek wisdom and have understanding.

Proverbs 14:12:  There is a way which seems right to a man, but it’s end is the way of death.

Proverbs 12:15:  The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel.

Proverbs 4:13: Take hold of instruction, do not let go.  Guard her, for she is your life.

Proverbs 5:12:  And you say, “How I have hated instruction!  And my heart spurned reproof!  I have not listened to the voice of my teachers, nor inclined my ear to my instructors!  I was almost in utter ruin in the midst of the assembly and congregation.”

Psalm 111:10:  The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; a good understanding have all those who do His commandments; His praise endures forever.

I’m thankful that God molds us and shapes us throughout our lives and knows exactly what we need.  I’m thankful for the experience I’m having now with my hearing and the lessons I’m learning from it.  It’s all a matter of perspective.