When I decided to take a break from the blog back in December, I never intended for it to be this long!  Honestly, I was about as exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically as I can ever remember being.  So much happened last year and right around the holidays was when it got the most busy.  It was wonderful to spend time with our loved ones and it was also wonderful (and necessary) to take some time to regroup and recharge after things began to settle back down again.  Physically, I am feeling the effects of 9 months of steroids.  I’m heavier and weaker and have more aches and pains than ever in my entire life.  I feel 20 or 30 years older than I am!  I’ve been working on a low carb healthy diet (and have dropped a few pounds already even though the doctor told me the drugs might still be in my system and affect weight loss for another month or two) and plan to start going to a water aerobics class soon to get my body moving again.  Last week I also decided it was time for me to get back on here and start writing again.  I was trying to decide what exactly to write about since my hearing was stable and I felt that I had basically adjusted to my “new” situation.  Turns out that once again, things have changed! 

Chet and Cody went out of town  last week and I was alone for several days.  It was during that time period that I had another major hearing loss episode.  On Thursday morning, I called my mom on the Captel (captioning telephone).  I don’t always need the captions now (since I recovered some hearing from the episode last year).   Sometimes (with the extra adjustments this phone has) I can follow an entire call by voice alone.  Sometimes I need the captions to fill in the blanks for the words I miss.  On this particular day, I noted that there was a very “hollow” sound (like when you would expect to hear an echo, only nothing was repeated, just the hollow sound) and there seemed to be some distortion (slight) in mom’s voice.  I just thought it was the phone connection at the time.  I spent the rest of the day out and about by myself, so there wasn’t much communication and I never thought anything else about it until later that evening when I was home and wanted to watch some tv.  I was wearing my hearing aids and there was the same hollow and distorted sound.  It was obvious that my hearing aids didn’t sound “right” and even making them louder did not help me – sound  was too loud but still not very distinguishible.  I knew then that something was up.  My phone and hearing aids both would not be having the same problem on the same day.  I spoke out loud a few times and realized that I couldn’t hear my own voice very well.  The next morning, I did another test call with my mom on the phone, and there was little doubt my hearing had changed.  I am thankful for all that happened last year, because I was able to call the clinic and explain what was going on by myself with the captioning phone.  My hearing test there confirmed what I already suspected.   I had a dramatic hearing loss in my “good” ear.  It actually is now worse than my “bad” ear.  The doctor was very disappointed.  It’s only been one month since I finished a 9 month course of steroids.  My hearing loss is now severe to profound in both ears.  The doctor and I agreed that another long term course of steroids is too risky to my overall health.  I had a steroid injection to my eardrum again and am back on a high dose of oral prednisone for now.  The plan is that I will have 2 more injections – one on Friday and then the last on the following Friday.  A week and a half later, I will have another hearing test and meet with the doctor to discuss the results.  My hearing is poor enough now that I would qualify for the possibility of cochlear implants now if there is no improvement, so I am also on the schedule for a cochlear implant evaluation on April 17.  If my hearing improves to the point where I no longer qualify, then I’ll cancel. 

There is a dramatic difference once again in what I am able to hear.  Because the hearing aids I have are a bi-cross system, they are designed to bypass my bad ear (it is considered unaidable – I do hear some sound, but it is distorted enough that it is not considered usable sound) so the device I wear on that ear picks up any sound on that side of me and wirelessly transmits it to the hearing aid on the “good” ear and that ear processes all sound that I recieve.  Unfortunately, in this scenario, it means that all sound is now going to my worst ear with the hearing aids, so I am hearing better without them.  The fact is, I’m not hearing much.  It’s funny how circumstances change perspective.  The clinic deemed my right ear “unaidable” but now that it is my best one, I have a newfound appreciation for what it still can do!  I am able to communicate one on one in a quiet environment to some extent.  By that, I mean that I can communicate.  I miss a lot and the person has to repeat some, but I am getting the gist of it and able to respond, so that’s encouraging. 

At church I found that the church listening device is now better than the personal one I have been using.  If I put it on my (now) better ear and can see the speaker’s mouth so that I can do some lip-reading (and I concentrate very hard) I can pick up the gist of what is being said – at least to some extent.  I missed a lot.  I could hear some singing – mostly the song leader through the device, but enough to tell where they were in the song.  I tried to teach my Sunday morning Bible class and realized in the first 5 minutes that I was going to need help.  Prior to this episode I felt it was probably good for the kids to learn to interact with someone who has a disability and I didn’t feel like it was hindering their learning/Bible time.  I have reached a point where I feel that me teaching them would be a detriment to their learning – at least until I get implants or improvement of some kind.  I had to get someone to come in and take over for me.  It takes a lot of energy for me to communicate right now and I think it’s probably better for me at this time to save my energy for the assembly and trying to participate as much as possible in that.  I decided to attend flock groups last night.  I knew that since it was in someone’s home that I would not be able to hear anything during the devotional, but felt that I should go for the fellowship anyway.  I’m glad I did.  Truthfully, I heard zero of the lesson and zero of the singing.  The teacher for that night typed the song numbers on his computer for me and typed out what scripture they were on during the devo.  I could only tell people were singing because I could see that they were.  All I heard during that entire time was a few occasional sounds that I think were babies making noise.  I read the songs to myself and made melody in my heart.  I read the book of Esther to myself during the discussion knowing that the group was studying and talking about that book, too, even though I don’t know what they were talking about.  I wasn’t sad about it.  I went in with the right expectations.  I’m so glad I was there.  Several people made the effort to speak with me and hug me and that means so much to me.  It’s not easy to communicate with me anymore.  To do so means that the person is making a choice and an effort.  I am amazed by the patience, the cheerful attitudes people are showing me, and the incredible love being offered by them by making the effort to keep me included.  Several have talked about needing to review the ASL they learned (I need to also!) and one sweet young woman wrote me an email last night saying that she wanted to think of a way to keep me feeling included in all of the happenings and thought maybe we could start sending each other emails.  Some have teared up a bit and shared big hugs and “I love you”s.  Some have sent me sweet notes and messages. I am so blessed to have so much support.  I decided that I need to be on guard about not choosing to isolate myself.  The nature of my situation means that I will be isolated in some ways and miss out on some things – it’s unavoidable.  I think it would be easy for me to decide to stay home from things like flocks or other activities because “I won’t be able to understand anything anyway.”  I don’t want to make myself more isolated by doing that than I have to be.  If I hadn’t been there last night I would have missed so much encouragement for myself.  Maybe my presence will also help encourage others.  You never know. 

 I feel that God has prepared me for this new change very well with the events of last year.  I need the technology I have  more now than ever and it’s all already in place and I understand how to use it.  I have a good framework to start with now regarding technology and options for the deaf/hard of hearing so that as I learn about cochlear implants I have a better understanding of what I am reading and learning and how to add it to the devices I’m already familiar with. 

I honestly have mixed feelings about all of this.  I don’t really know what to pray for.  A part of me thinks that maybe it’s better if I don’t recover any hearing and I can move on to the next phase of cochlear implants.  It would be nice to be “off the roller coaster” and just move on.  A part of me thinks that natural sound is always better than aritificial sound and I should not wish it away.  Ultimately, I realized that I do not have the wisdom to know what is best in this situation, but I trust completely that God does.  My prayer is that He will use me however I can serve Him best in the kingdom and I know that is also what will be best for me.  In my prayers, I ask that if recovering my natural hearing is best, then I will respond to the treatment and recover.  If losing my hearing is best and the world of cochlear implants will be better, then I pray that I will not respond to treatment.  I noticed this morning that I am hearing a little bit better than I was yesterday.  I don’t know what that will mean ultimately, but I have to trust that God knows what He’s doing and I just need to go with it. 

Thank you for caring enough about me and what’s happening in my life to take the time to read my blog.   Please pray that God’s will is done in my life and that He will use me however He sees fit.  I know that is what will be best for me.  Please also pray for my family – they are going through watching their wife, mother, daughter, sister go deaf and it is difficult for them at times, too.  Thank you for your love, encouragement and patience.  It means a lot to me and makes a big difference in this journey!