A lot has happened in the last few days. I’ve been thinking about how smooth this transition has been going because of all of the technology that allows me to still function. I thought that although it’s another change, it wasn’t going to be too hard to adjust to. I thought that since I’ve already experienced the episode last year of fairly severe hearing loss that I had a good idea of what it would be like, so even though it takes some getting used to, I thought overall this wouldn’t be too hard. I was wrong. I think it is just now starting to sink in how dramatically this changes my life and the life of my family.

It is still true that all of the events of last year have made a huge difference. I’m facing many new problems and obstacles and at least I have some solutions and ideas on how to solve them. I learned last year to rely more on God as I adjusted to life changes that were out of my control. That is valuable. That is helpful. I’ve been home alone a lot over the last few days and I think that is part of why I didn’t realize the full significance of my new hearing loss. I expected certain things to change – phone calls, church, interacting with store personnel, ordering coffee or food, etc. The thing that I am coming to realize is the dramatic impact this has on my home life. Last night Chet and I went to a favorite restaurant for dinner after he got off work. I knew ordering and interacting with the waiter would be different. That didn’t bother me. I’ve learned to explain that I’m deaf and people work with me.

What did bother me was that Chet and I have difficulty having a conversation now. It seems so obvious, but it wasn’t for some reason. For those of you who took the ASL class, think about the sessions where we weren’t allowed to speak with our voices, only sign. Think about how hard that was. It took so much effort. You had things you wanted to say, but had to figure out a way to communicate them. It’s hard. It’s tiring. It’s frustrating. That was for a class. This is what it is like for my family and friends to talk to me now. Obviously, I can speak with my voice, but they cannot speak to me with theirs. I cannot hear them. I cannot hear enough sound to lip-read most of what it said. I can follow some speaking, but not much. This is hard. It’s not something you work at for a half hour or so and then stop “playing the game.” It’s my life at this point and there’s no end to the effort. That is hard. My husband and I have a relationship that is close and we have always communicated well with each other. I know that we will find solutions and I hope that this is temporary – either through regaining some hearing again, or cochlear implants.

A friend told me about a new app for his phone that translates voice to text. Chet and I both installed it last night and during our dinner he spoke into his phone and then showed me the text of what he had said. It worked. It takes some getting used to. It is a very helpful solution. It makes me sad. We came home and watched some tv. We’ve been using captions on the tv for years, so that felt normal. Cody came home shortly after that and generally we take a few minutes to catch up and hear about his day. I couldn’t understand that either. He used some sign language and the captioning app on the phone to give me some idea of the discussion, but some of it ended up being just between him and his dad. It’s just not practical to “translate” every word for me. This also makes me sad.

I’m starting to realize how profoundly this is affecting my interaction with my family. I know this is probably the hardest it will be. We’ll find more solutions and things will likely improve for me one way or another at some point. It’s a lot to take in and it’s sobering. It’s a good reminder that we are not in control of our lives (even though we often feel that we are). God is in control and when it seems hard or scary and you don’t see exactly where you’re going or how to get there, you learn to rely completely on Him. I know it will be ok. I think I just need time to let it all sink in….