Tomorrow is the day that I have been thinking about, praying about, researching and working toward for many months now.  The decision to have cochlear implants was made back in April.  I’ve experienced a lot during my hearing loss journey, particularly during the last year and a half.  I know what it is like to be functionally deaf and I know what a blessing it is to have options and ways to bridge the communication gap when you can’t hear. I’ve been able to access so much information and acquire amazing technology that has given me the ability to live my life fairly normally and do most of the things I’ve always done.  I miss things, but the important things I generally don’t miss out on.  People are there for me.  They are patient with me.  They are kind to me.  They show me consideration – much more than I would ever expect.  They pray for me.  They encourage me.  I’ve seen much good come from this situation that I never would have imagined.  Someone recently said to me that they imagined I must have had a period of anger about all of this.  I haven’t.  I honestly can’t imagine why I would ever be angry about it.  I can understand people feeling sorry for themselves, although I haven’t ever really felt that way either.  I don’t know why.  I’ve always been able to see the big picture here and “go with the flow.”  I didn’t have a choice in the matter; it happened.  End of story.  You deal or you let it take you down. As I’ve said before, this is not a tragedy – not even close.  It’s nothing more than a change on life’s path.  Where would we be without events in our lives and trials that mold us and shape us?  We are strengthened by these things.  God blesses us by giving us these opportunities and He makes all things work together for the good – often in ways we could never have imagine.   Of course there are days when I’m tired and sometimes tired of dealing with it all, but not many.  There was a period of grieving.  There will be a lot of effort required on my part to make this cochlear implant as successful as possible. I believe it will be worth i and I will reap the benefits of that effort for many years to come!

I honestly don’t know what I will feel tomorrow.  I’ve had a lot on my mind this week that isn’t related to this, so I haven’t spent a lot of time dwelling on it.  In some ways it feels a little anti-climactic.  Because of the change in plan about having two implants done, I haven’t had a period of deafness.  I don’t feel any different at all right now and my hearing is exactly as it was before surgery.  Other than the fact that I have a scar, some swelling, and a little tenderness still, I don’t feel like much has happened with the CI, although it has.  I don’t feel nervous at all about tomorrow.  The only thing I have any little bit of pause about is if the doctor will give the okay to activate.  They fully expect to be able to do it tomorrow – I’ve got quite a few appointments set up based on that premise.  I guess because I don’t know if the swelling I still have is typical or if it is an indication that things might not be fully healed yet, I don’t feel 100% confident about it.  I will be very disappointed if I have to postpone.  I don’t really expect to, but that is the only thing that I have any uncertainty about.  I have every confidence that I will hear some sound when they activate.  Because I’m feeling pretty calm, cool, and collected about it right now, I am not sure if I will feel emotional about hearing those first sounds or not.  I’m hearing sound now, so it doesn’t seem like such a contrast as it would have if I had been deaf for these last 3 weeks.  I haven’t been hearing sound in this ear, though.  Maybe I’m a little weird and no one else really does this, but yesterday I was sort of daydreaming and imagining the scene of activating my CI.  In my imagination (should I really be admitting this?!)  I didn’t expect to be emotional, but starting crying and I actually teared up a bit in real life, too!  I’m goofy, I know, but it makes me think that maybe I will feel more emotional than I think I will.   I wonder if it will tickle or vibrate at all down in my inner ear.  I wonder if it could hurt.  I have had the occasional “shooting” pain there – very brief and not too bad, but that’s why I’m wondering!  There will be electrical impulses going through something metal in my inner ear and directly stimulating a nerve!  Obviously, it can’t be too tickly or painful – at least not for long.  I guess I will know soon enough!

Our day starts early.  We have to be at the clinic at the U of M for an 8 am appt.  With morning traffic going into Minneapolis, we plan to leave early – probably 6:30am to be sure we get there in time.  I have a regular hearing test scheduled for 8am, then an appointment with the doctor at 9:15, then the appointment with the CI audiologist for 9:30.  They told me to plan  on about 2 hours for the audiology appointment.  Both clinics are together – they share a lobby, so we’ll pretty much stay put all morning.  I will try to update often and keep a good record of this experience.  I want a record for myself of what this is like and how it changes from day to day.  I know when I was researching CIs I went to some personal blogs of people who have them and read about some of their experiences.  It helped me have a realistic idea of what to expect.  I hope my experiences will help someone else, too.  I hope some of you will find it interesting to follow along.  It is pretty high tech and I think I would find it interesting even if I didn’t need it.  Thanks for checking in and for all of the prayers and encouragement!  I will let you know how it goes tomorrow!