Had an early morning appt. today for the second of my three injections. Everything went well. For some reason it was a little more painful/uncomfortable than normal. I think the doctor (not my usual one) wasn’t as gentle as before, but it’s not too bad and it’s done now! Only one more to go! My hubby made the trek with me and afterwards we had breakfast out. I haven’t been able to eat much the past few days with the stomach bug, so I was ready for some real food and it was delicious. The company was even better, of course. I’ve dropped 10 pounds this week! I have no doubt that a significant part of that is some of the excess fluid I was carrying because I can tell a huge difference in how I feel. I’m not nearly as out of breath when I move around, I can get up and down much easier, my joints don’t hurt so much, I can breathe better in general…There’s no doubt the fluid is the major factor in my discomfort over the past year. I’m going to work really hard to avoid retaining fluids as much as possible! So far I haven’t really had too many side effects with the high dose of prednisone. My face and chest are much redder than normal again. Yesterday I was awake all day and had problems sleeping during the night. I actually expected that all week. I guess being so sick overrode the steroid effect on those days because I slept a LOT on Tuesday and Wednesday days AND nights! Another sign that I’m feeling better, I guess! It has suddenly dawned on me that this is a holiday weekend. It seems weird not to have any plans, but I don’t really mind. We’ve never celebrated any holidays as religious days, they’ve always been celebrated as family gatherings and traditions. Because my hubby and son have work schedules that do not take time off for holidays it has always been a challenge to make family plans with everyone. This year Kinsey is in Florida, Chet works, Cory works, and Cody and Jessi are heading to North Dakota to celebrate with her family. I guess that leave me, Nicole and Owen! I know she has plans with her side of the family in the evening. Weird this year! I usually try to do something, but between being sick and everyone having things going on and everything ELSE that’s been happening it’s going to be more laid back! The truth is it might be nice to have such a low-key day this year. It takes a lot of energy to communicate and be in groups right now and I’m still recovering from being sick and just using more mental and emotional energy to adjust to everything. Trying to put together a big family dinner, too, might have been too much. We have lots of big family plans coming up in the next months, though! A first birthday party, graduations and trips to OK and FL and showers, and a special wedding……….fun times! 🙂 I’m really looking forward to it all!

I wasn’t feeling well when I made my last post, and right as I finished it I had to make a run for it – I caught the stomach bug that has been going around our church. I’ve been pretty sick the last couple of days. Thought it was better yesterday, but later in the day it reared its ugly head once again. So far so good today. I’m taking it easy. Basically when I wasn’t making a run for it I was sleeping, so I think I’m making progress today – I haven’t needed a nap yet!

I’m feeling more positive about my deafness. I think that I am hearing a little bit better than I was at its worst. Not much, but enough that some of the time Chet can speak to me and I can understand what he’s saying (he says he’s speaking VERY loudly!). Even if that gets worse again, I am truly confident that we will get through this just fine. I believe there will be blessings I can’t even imagine. I hope there will be for others in my life as well. It is so very encouraging to me to hear about how this situation has impacted others for the good – one person I know is planning to become an ASL interpreter for a career as a result of this and I think that is so cool! It makes my day!

I find it interesting that last week before my hearing loss happened I was studying Psalm 25. I prayed the same prayer that David prayed asking God to “4 Make me know Your ways, O Lord; Teach me Your paths. 5 Lead me in Your truth and teach me…” It was only a day or two later that my hearing loss occurred. Maybe this was an answer to that prayer. I don’t know. It certainly is true that a situation like this is full of life lessons. How can you regret that? It’s a blessing.

Today I was reading another Psalm and I was so encouraged and strengthened by this verse that I wanted to share it with you:

Psalm 28:7:
The Lord is my strength and my shield;
My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped;
Therefore my heart exults,
And with my song I shall thank Him.

Today, I am reminded that my strength has never been my own, it’s from God and I am not afraid. I’m feeling grateful, blessed, and full of praise.

A lot has happened in the last few days. I’ve been thinking about how smooth this transition has been going because of all of the technology that allows me to still function. I thought that although it’s another change, it wasn’t going to be too hard to adjust to. I thought that since I’ve already experienced the episode last year of fairly severe hearing loss that I had a good idea of what it would be like, so even though it takes some getting used to, I thought overall this wouldn’t be too hard. I was wrong. I think it is just now starting to sink in how dramatically this changes my life and the life of my family.

It is still true that all of the events of last year have made a huge difference. I’m facing many new problems and obstacles and at least I have some solutions and ideas on how to solve them. I learned last year to rely more on God as I adjusted to life changes that were out of my control. That is valuable. That is helpful. I’ve been home alone a lot over the last few days and I think that is part of why I didn’t realize the full significance of my new hearing loss. I expected certain things to change – phone calls, church, interacting with store personnel, ordering coffee or food, etc. The thing that I am coming to realize is the dramatic impact this has on my home life. Last night Chet and I went to a favorite restaurant for dinner after he got off work. I knew ordering and interacting with the waiter would be different. That didn’t bother me. I’ve learned to explain that I’m deaf and people work with me.

What did bother me was that Chet and I have difficulty having a conversation now. It seems so obvious, but it wasn’t for some reason. For those of you who took the ASL class, think about the sessions where we weren’t allowed to speak with our voices, only sign. Think about how hard that was. It took so much effort. You had things you wanted to say, but had to figure out a way to communicate them. It’s hard. It’s tiring. It’s frustrating. That was for a class. This is what it is like for my family and friends to talk to me now. Obviously, I can speak with my voice, but they cannot speak to me with theirs. I cannot hear them. I cannot hear enough sound to lip-read most of what it said. I can follow some speaking, but not much. This is hard. It’s not something you work at for a half hour or so and then stop “playing the game.” It’s my life at this point and there’s no end to the effort. That is hard. My husband and I have a relationship that is close and we have always communicated well with each other. I know that we will find solutions and I hope that this is temporary – either through regaining some hearing again, or cochlear implants.

A friend told me about a new app for his phone that translates voice to text. Chet and I both installed it last night and during our dinner he spoke into his phone and then showed me the text of what he had said. It worked. It takes some getting used to. It is a very helpful solution. It makes me sad. We came home and watched some tv. We’ve been using captions on the tv for years, so that felt normal. Cody came home shortly after that and generally we take a few minutes to catch up and hear about his day. I couldn’t understand that either. He used some sign language and the captioning app on the phone to give me some idea of the discussion, but some of it ended up being just between him and his dad. It’s just not practical to “translate” every word for me. This also makes me sad.

I’m starting to realize how profoundly this is affecting my interaction with my family. I know this is probably the hardest it will be. We’ll find more solutions and things will likely improve for me one way or another at some point. It’s a lot to take in and it’s sobering. It’s a good reminder that we are not in control of our lives (even though we often feel that we are). God is in control and when it seems hard or scary and you don’t see exactly where you’re going or how to get there, you learn to rely completely on Him. I know it will be ok. I think I just need time to let it all sink in….

When I decided to take a break from the blog back in December, I never intended for it to be this long!  Honestly, I was about as exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically as I can ever remember being.  So much happened last year and right around the holidays was when it got the most busy.  It was wonderful to spend time with our loved ones and it was also wonderful (and necessary) to take some time to regroup and recharge after things began to settle back down again.  Physically, I am feeling the effects of 9 months of steroids.  I’m heavier and weaker and have more aches and pains than ever in my entire life.  I feel 20 or 30 years older than I am!  I’ve been working on a low carb healthy diet (and have dropped a few pounds already even though the doctor told me the drugs might still be in my system and affect weight loss for another month or two) and plan to start going to a water aerobics class soon to get my body moving again.  Last week I also decided it was time for me to get back on here and start writing again.  I was trying to decide what exactly to write about since my hearing was stable and I felt that I had basically adjusted to my “new” situation.  Turns out that once again, things have changed! 

Chet and Cody went out of town  last week and I was alone for several days.  It was during that time period that I had another major hearing loss episode.  On Thursday morning, I called my mom on the Captel (captioning telephone).  I don’t always need the captions now (since I recovered some hearing from the episode last year).   Sometimes (with the extra adjustments this phone has) I can follow an entire call by voice alone.  Sometimes I need the captions to fill in the blanks for the words I miss.  On this particular day, I noted that there was a very “hollow” sound (like when you would expect to hear an echo, only nothing was repeated, just the hollow sound) and there seemed to be some distortion (slight) in mom’s voice.  I just thought it was the phone connection at the time.  I spent the rest of the day out and about by myself, so there wasn’t much communication and I never thought anything else about it until later that evening when I was home and wanted to watch some tv.  I was wearing my hearing aids and there was the same hollow and distorted sound.  It was obvious that my hearing aids didn’t sound “right” and even making them louder did not help me – sound  was too loud but still not very distinguishible.  I knew then that something was up.  My phone and hearing aids both would not be having the same problem on the same day.  I spoke out loud a few times and realized that I couldn’t hear my own voice very well.  The next morning, I did another test call with my mom on the phone, and there was little doubt my hearing had changed.  I am thankful for all that happened last year, because I was able to call the clinic and explain what was going on by myself with the captioning phone.  My hearing test there confirmed what I already suspected.   I had a dramatic hearing loss in my “good” ear.  It actually is now worse than my “bad” ear.  The doctor was very disappointed.  It’s only been one month since I finished a 9 month course of steroids.  My hearing loss is now severe to profound in both ears.  The doctor and I agreed that another long term course of steroids is too risky to my overall health.  I had a steroid injection to my eardrum again and am back on a high dose of oral prednisone for now.  The plan is that I will have 2 more injections – one on Friday and then the last on the following Friday.  A week and a half later, I will have another hearing test and meet with the doctor to discuss the results.  My hearing is poor enough now that I would qualify for the possibility of cochlear implants now if there is no improvement, so I am also on the schedule for a cochlear implant evaluation on April 17.  If my hearing improves to the point where I no longer qualify, then I’ll cancel. 

There is a dramatic difference once again in what I am able to hear.  Because the hearing aids I have are a bi-cross system, they are designed to bypass my bad ear (it is considered unaidable – I do hear some sound, but it is distorted enough that it is not considered usable sound) so the device I wear on that ear picks up any sound on that side of me and wirelessly transmits it to the hearing aid on the “good” ear and that ear processes all sound that I recieve.  Unfortunately, in this scenario, it means that all sound is now going to my worst ear with the hearing aids, so I am hearing better without them.  The fact is, I’m not hearing much.  It’s funny how circumstances change perspective.  The clinic deemed my right ear “unaidable” but now that it is my best one, I have a newfound appreciation for what it still can do!  I am able to communicate one on one in a quiet environment to some extent.  By that, I mean that I can communicate.  I miss a lot and the person has to repeat some, but I am getting the gist of it and able to respond, so that’s encouraging. 

At church I found that the church listening device is now better than the personal one I have been using.  If I put it on my (now) better ear and can see the speaker’s mouth so that I can do some lip-reading (and I concentrate very hard) I can pick up the gist of what is being said – at least to some extent.  I missed a lot.  I could hear some singing – mostly the song leader through the device, but enough to tell where they were in the song.  I tried to teach my Sunday morning Bible class and realized in the first 5 minutes that I was going to need help.  Prior to this episode I felt it was probably good for the kids to learn to interact with someone who has a disability and I didn’t feel like it was hindering their learning/Bible time.  I have reached a point where I feel that me teaching them would be a detriment to their learning – at least until I get implants or improvement of some kind.  I had to get someone to come in and take over for me.  It takes a lot of energy for me to communicate right now and I think it’s probably better for me at this time to save my energy for the assembly and trying to participate as much as possible in that.  I decided to attend flock groups last night.  I knew that since it was in someone’s home that I would not be able to hear anything during the devotional, but felt that I should go for the fellowship anyway.  I’m glad I did.  Truthfully, I heard zero of the lesson and zero of the singing.  The teacher for that night typed the song numbers on his computer for me and typed out what scripture they were on during the devo.  I could only tell people were singing because I could see that they were.  All I heard during that entire time was a few occasional sounds that I think were babies making noise.  I read the songs to myself and made melody in my heart.  I read the book of Esther to myself during the discussion knowing that the group was studying and talking about that book, too, even though I don’t know what they were talking about.  I wasn’t sad about it.  I went in with the right expectations.  I’m so glad I was there.  Several people made the effort to speak with me and hug me and that means so much to me.  It’s not easy to communicate with me anymore.  To do so means that the person is making a choice and an effort.  I am amazed by the patience, the cheerful attitudes people are showing me, and the incredible love being offered by them by making the effort to keep me included.  Several have talked about needing to review the ASL they learned (I need to also!) and one sweet young woman wrote me an email last night saying that she wanted to think of a way to keep me feeling included in all of the happenings and thought maybe we could start sending each other emails.  Some have teared up a bit and shared big hugs and “I love you”s.  Some have sent me sweet notes and messages. I am so blessed to have so much support.  I decided that I need to be on guard about not choosing to isolate myself.  The nature of my situation means that I will be isolated in some ways and miss out on some things – it’s unavoidable.  I think it would be easy for me to decide to stay home from things like flocks or other activities because “I won’t be able to understand anything anyway.”  I don’t want to make myself more isolated by doing that than I have to be.  If I hadn’t been there last night I would have missed so much encouragement for myself.  Maybe my presence will also help encourage others.  You never know. 

 I feel that God has prepared me for this new change very well with the events of last year.  I need the technology I have  more now than ever and it’s all already in place and I understand how to use it.  I have a good framework to start with now regarding technology and options for the deaf/hard of hearing so that as I learn about cochlear implants I have a better understanding of what I am reading and learning and how to add it to the devices I’m already familiar with. 

I honestly have mixed feelings about all of this.  I don’t really know what to pray for.  A part of me thinks that maybe it’s better if I don’t recover any hearing and I can move on to the next phase of cochlear implants.  It would be nice to be “off the roller coaster” and just move on.  A part of me thinks that natural sound is always better than aritificial sound and I should not wish it away.  Ultimately, I realized that I do not have the wisdom to know what is best in this situation, but I trust completely that God does.  My prayer is that He will use me however I can serve Him best in the kingdom and I know that is also what will be best for me.  In my prayers, I ask that if recovering my natural hearing is best, then I will respond to the treatment and recover.  If losing my hearing is best and the world of cochlear implants will be better, then I pray that I will not respond to treatment.  I noticed this morning that I am hearing a little bit better than I was yesterday.  I don’t know what that will mean ultimately, but I have to trust that God knows what He’s doing and I just need to go with it. 

Thank you for caring enough about me and what’s happening in my life to take the time to read my blog.   Please pray that God’s will is done in my life and that He will use me however He sees fit.  I know that is what will be best for me.  Please also pray for my family – they are going through watching their wife, mother, daughter, sister go deaf and it is difficult for them at times, too.  Thank you for your love, encouragement and patience.  It means a lot to me and makes a big difference in this journey!

I’m back!  It’s been a while since my last post.  Much has happened since then.  My daughter was planning to be married this month.  The wedding has been cancelled and she and her fiance broke up.  She was not responsible in any way for what happened, but they made the decision to do what was best for both of them spiritually, and I’m proud of them for that.  I’m thankful for God’s wisdom, His faithfulness and His comfort when we, and the people we love, are hurting.  I’m thankful that in spite of our sinful nature, we can escape from any snare that we become entangled in, and that God gives us the opportunity for salvation and the support and guidance that we need to attain it.

I’ve also been to 3 funerals in the last couple of weeks.  I rejoice with those whose loved ones have finished the race as faithful christians and have gained a victory!  I also grieve along with them as they mourn the loss of those whom they love so much.

I had a follow-up with my hearing specialist in the middle of all of this, and the news there was wonderful!  The doctor took a look at the results of my hearing test and said “Your hearing is stable.  The steroids have done their job.  It’s time to start tapering you off of them.”  I can’t tell you how thrilled I was to hear that bit of news!!!  It will take 3 months to completely taper off (I’ve heard that sometimes it can stay in your system for a time after you stop taking it) but I’m taking half the dose I was taking, and am thrilled to be heading toward no more steroids!  So far I have not seen any change in the side effects.  They were already fairly minimal during the last month.  I am still retaining fluids and have the “moon face”  the “buffalo hump”  a very firm and filled out mid-section (not normal for me – I generally carry most of my excess weight in my hips and thighs!) and am still more out of breath and needing to rest when trying to accomplish tasks much more frequently than normal.  Also am experiencing forgetfulness and more sweating than usual.  I’m not complaining – the hardest was dealing with the emotional extremes and I’m very thankful that particular side effect settled down before all of the latest things happened, and so far seems to be stable.

I’m very excited that much of our family will be here shortly for a visit.  Some have changed their travel plans since the wedding was cancelled, but some will still be coming for a visit and we’re really looking forward to some family time over this holiday period.

I was thinking about the end of this year and all that has taken place, and I realized that I have so much to be thankful for.  I can honestly say that I am thankful for the hearing loss episode.  I can see so much good that has come from it.  I really can.  I’m thankful that God has allowed me to regain some of the hearing that was lost. So much has changed in my life because of the situation and the way that it happened.  I feel more prepared now for when/if the day comes that I am profoundly deaf.  I’ve discovered there’s so much out there technology-wise!  Accessibility has a whole new meaning for me now!  Most importantly – I’ve seen so much from a new and more godly perspective and I’ve had the opportunity to be encouraged as well as watch other people be encouraged and strengthened by the events that took place. I’ve learned a new skill – American Sign Language – and am enjoying that tremendously.  I’ve found so many small ways that it has been helpful in my every day life, even at this stage of hearing loss.  I absolutely love hearing stories of others I know who are learning along with me and experiences they have had in their every day lives interacting with deaf people they could not communicate with before.  I’ve become aware of a large segment of our community that I really never noticed before.  I understand so much more about communication and about what a person who is hard of hearing deals with on a regular basis.  I hope others have learned along with me and have become aware of these things as well.  I’ve grown to love and appreciate the people I spend the most time with all the more as I see the patience they show when trying to communicate with me and making sure that I am included in as much as possible and I know the love and consideration that is behind it.  I am a blessed woman.

Thank you for checking in with me here, even though I haven’t been writing as much lately.  I expect to be writing more often as things settle down in a few weeks.  Happy holidays to all of you!  May God bless you richly  in the coming year.

So much has happened since my last post.  I’m reminded of how much good comes from difficult situations and how important it is to trust in God: His plan, His wisdom, His providence, His guidance through the Word.  Having a God who loves us and does what’s best for us, whether we see it at the time or not, and who supports us and strengthens us so that we can endure trials  is an amazing blessing.  I’m also reminded of how important it is not to take for granted the good things in our lives.  We truly do not know what tomorrow will bring.  Our lives can be over or be changed forever in the blink of an eye.  I don’t worry about that  because I know that God is in control and I will do my best to focus on living for today and making this day count for His glory.  People I know and love are hurting – there’s been loss and there’s been pain and I hurt for them.  There is also victory to be gained and blessings to be found in these situations.

Good morning from snowy Minnesota!  I’m so excited to see our first snow this year!  It’s more like a dusting, but it’s beautiful!  I can hardly believe it’s been so long since my last post.  I try to write every few days, but I’m not sure I’m going to be able to keep up that pace over the next few weeks.  I know it’s a busy time of year for everyone, but we are especially busy this year – my daughter’s 18th birthday is next week, Thanksgiving a couple of days later, our church’s Ladies’ Holiday Tea on Dec 1 that I’m co-hosting with a friend , all of the pre-holiday  and pre-company cleaning,  decorating, cooking, shopping, organizing and planning, plus the first of our family arriving for the holidays/wedding around Dec. 20th,  our son’s 21st birthday on Dec. 23,  Christmas, and then our daughter’s wedding on Dec. 29!!!  Whew!  So much to look forward to and enjoy, but I think you can understand why I might find it difficult to keep up with the blog every few days!  I will try! 🙂

I’m so thankful that I am still feeling pretty well and the side effects are not too difficult to deal with these days.  That could change at any time, but I’m enjoying feeling good now and being able to do all I need to get done!  Thanks for the prayers!!!  God answered “yes”! 🙂  I’m having some problems with my hearing aids and feedback.   I may have to consider getting some new ones.  These are working at the maximum capacity they are capable of, and I’m wondering if that is the reason the quality of what I’m hearing is pretty intermittent and there is so much feedback.  I don’t really want to have to spend money on new ones right now, but it might be the best option.  We’ll see.  I think my hearing has been fairly stable.  There have been a couple of questionable moments when it seemed intermittent, but it’s very hard to say if it’s actually my ears or more of an equipment problem.  I’ve experienced both scenarios recently, so it could go either way.  Next doctor’s appointment is Nov. 28.

Last night in our flock groups, we talked about some of the Psalms – specifically ones regarding thankfulness.  I know that this is a time of year when many people are spending time counting their blessings and giving God thanks for them.  I was thinking about the relationship between trials and our spiritual lives.  I think that there are so many things we take for granted and sometimes there’s really no way for us to recognize that or realize it unless it’s taken away from us or from someone we know. I feel that way about what’s happened with my hearing.  During the worst part of that time, my eyes were opened to so many things I’d never even considered.  I found (and find) myself grateful for so much that I had always taken for granted.  Our perspective changes.  It reminds me of this scripture:

Ecclesiastes 7:2-4:

Thankfully, I am doing much better these days than I was.  My emotions have stabilized again (really thankful for that!) and I feel fairly normal as far as energy goes.  Thanks for the prayers and for the words of encouragement!

I find myself having many thoughts about many topics lately.

My daughter is getting married next month (wow!) and my thoughts inevitably go to “Have we taught her everything we need to” and all of the other things a parent thinks about when their child is getting ready to begin their adult life on their own, outside of your protection and care.  It’s a big step and one that has to happen at some point….it’s what we are working toward in our parenting – equipping our children with all of the tools they need and the morals, wisdom, conviction and faithfulness  to go out and be godly, productive, responsible workers in the kingdom, excellent husbands and wives, parents, providers, etc.

There are also many thoughts about the details of planning the wedding and all of the things that go along with that.  As mother of the bride, there is a lot more to be done than there was when my son married and it’s fun and busy at the same time!  This wedding falls a few days after Christmas, so there are also holiday things to plan and work out along with all of the family coming from out-of-state and plans for our time together!  It will be a wonderful!  There are also lots of details to work out.

I’m also thinking a lot about the experience I just went through with the attitude problems and am trying to think about what I can do to avoid having that happen again.  I think it’s inevitable that I will have some emotional ups and downs.  I just need to try to figure out the best plan of attack to deal with them when they do happen.  Have you ever noticed that when your attitude needs adjusting it seems like it so easily turns into a “snowball” of negative – suddenly you don’t “feel like” getting in the Word as much, even though you know you should, and you don’t “care” about getting your work done or how healthy the food you’re putting in your mouth is, or whatever.  Suddenly you realize that you haven’t spent much time in prayer either (how did that happen?)…seems like it just all goes downhill quickly.  Then there is the aspect of feeling frustrated with yourself for letting that happen and disappointed in yourself that you can still fall so easily into those traps…it quickly becomes a vicious cycle.  The harder you are on yourself the more cranky and out of sorts you feel, which leads to more negative attitudes  which leads to more self-recrimination….I realize how very important it is to nip this all in the bud the minute I realize it’s happening.  The longer it goes on the worse it gets.  Maybe it’s just me, but I suspect this happens to others as well.  I’m so thankful that we have a way out, even when we slip up.  Our Heavenly Father knows us so well and has provided us with words of encouragement through the scriptures and through others in the faith.  He’s available 24/7 with a listening ear and comfort and strength when we need it.  I’m really thankful for that.  How in the world do unbelievers handle these things?  I can’t imagine.

As far as my hearing goes, I’ve had a couple of moments where is seemed like there might be some fluctuations, but it’s really difficult to tell.  It’s possible that it was more some technical problems with my hearing aids, although it would be odd if they acted up in that way.  So many factors influence how well I can hear – it can be very difficult to tell for certain.  I feel like I’m tolerating the steroids a little better this week.  Hopefully that will continue for the duration of my treatment.  I’m on the home stretch!  Unless something new happens, the latest I will be on them is the end of January and it’s possible I could start tapering off by the end of this month.  ASL class is still a lot of fun and we are learning a lot of vocabulary.  It takes quite a bit of studying to remember it all, but I have found it very useful even now in many situations in my daily life!  I feel like I am hearing pretty well these days.    I’ve adjusted to the new normal for the most part.  When I answer the phone and can’t hear the speaker, I go to my captioning phone; when I’m in church, I use my Domino Pro and set up the microphones the way I’ve found they work best; when I’m in group situations, sometimes I just know that I won’t follow what’s being said and I  sit back and relax and let someone fill me in when I can tell it’s something significant. The primary people in my life have learned how it’s best to communicate with me, too. I’ve learned to let people know in the public that I don’t hear well, and most people try to adapt and make it work.  Overall, I feel like things are going well in this area of my life and I am functioning pretty well.

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while.  I know there are some of you that check in often!  I do try to keep up with things here, but found it difficult to come up with anything to write about during the last week or so!  Thank you so much for caring enough about me to check in and for the prayers and encouragement!  I really appreciate it!

I thought after the last couple of posts, that I’d better let you all know right away that I’m feeling better today!  I honestly have no idea why I have more energy and less swelling, but I’ll take it!  I’m thankful!  The emotions are settling down a bit as well.  I know that can change in a heartbeat, but I’m grateful for a break from it for now! 🙂

I’m working on getting my “To Do” list put together of things I want to get done around the house before the wedding.  I’m working on some of the final details of the wedding itself.  I’m taking care of the normal household chores that need to be done and it feels great to be accomplishing these things and not being exhausted halfway through!  I slept very well last night – maybe that has something to do with it as well.  I guess I’ve always taken forgranted having good health and normal energy – I’ve seen what it’s like on the “other side” now and I definitely appreciate what I’ve got!

Hope you all have a blessed day!

It seems that the roller coaster ride is still not over.  Physically, I feel better than I did when I last posted.  There were about 5 days that I really felt exhausted physically and mentally.  I suspect either I was still suffering from the effects of my cold even though I thought I was past it, or something got out of whack in my system – maybe electrolytes or potassium or something.  There was a noticeable improvement in my energy after those 5 days.  Unfortunately, my stress levels are still running very high and my emotions are still in turmoil.  I have a lot going on right now in my life and I think that normally I would feel some stress, but things feel more extreme than they normally would.  My daughter’s wedding is in December, and my husband pointed out to me today that my stress levels are likely to get worse as the holidays and wedding and all that goes along with those events get closer.  I’m sure he’s right.  I’m just going to have to figure out how to keep my mind focused where it needs to be and try to find better coping strategies.  If anyone has any tips or advice, please share them!  I’m all ears!

On a positive note, today I woke up and could actually see my ankle bones again!  It’s the first time they have looked close to normal in quite some time.  I have no idea why.  I imagined that eating higher sodium items would make the swelling worse, and that increasing the amount of activity I was getting would help reduce the swelling.  I’m sure those things are factors, but honestly I don’t see improvement based on those things.  There were days I ate very low sodium and the swelling did not improve and days I made a point to keep moving and also no improvement.  Today, I can’t say I did anything all that different, it just improved.  Don’t know how long that will last, but I’ll take it!

From a spiritual standpoint, I feel like I’m struggling.  A part of me is beating myself up mentally for being so “weak” and feeling like my attitude is bad and the thoughts going through my mind are cranky petty thoughts that someone who has been in the faith for as long as I have should not be prone to anymore.  I feel disappointed in myself and discouraged that I’m struggling with this when I  know better, and feel like I should have put aside those things long ago.  Then there’s a part of me that understands that some of this is due to the steroids and also the normal physical changes women go through as they approach their 50’s and 60’s – so there are physical/chemical factors that are real.  It explains some of the extremes I’m feeling, but I still have to behave appropriately, no matter how I feel.  Clearly I need to be spending more time renewing my mind in God’s word and forcing myself to refocus my thoughts.  It is encouraging to me to keep in mind that the day is coming when I’ll be off the steroids and the hormonal changes will gradually become less extreme.

I’m sharing these things in my blog, because I’m sure there are others that have some of these issues, at least from time to time.  I think sometimes we don’t share the fact that we’re struggling and we are missing out on prayers and encouragement and advice that could strengthen us and help us through those times. How can we be there for each other if we don’t know the truth about what’s going on in each other’s lives?  I know that overall I will be fine, but today I’m asking for prayers for strength and if there are any things you have found helpful for you during times of stress or struggle, please share them with me.  I know that these things are temporary and will pass, like any other trial in life.  In the big picture, this one isn’t even really all that big.  I’m not even sure it merits the title “trial.”  I’m thankful that I have a safety net of love and support to help me keep the right perspective during times like this.  Just writing these thoughts down is a little like giving myself a mental “talking to” and it seems to be helping (at least a little bit!).  🙂