I had the MRI on my knee today and was so happy it went well!  I am somewhat claustrophobic, and the only other MRI’s I’ve had were of the head (I’ve had 3 over the years relating to my hearing loss) and I had to work very hard in the past to stay calm and get through them!  The thing that makes me the most claustrophobic is when I can’t move my arms.  I’m a large person and that MRI tube is small, so when I’m in there I can’t move anything and my arms are pressed inward, so I really have to work at staying calm and getting through it.  Anyhow, when they scheduled this MRI I asked if I had to go all the way in (since it was a knee, after all!) and they told me I still had to go in up to my neck!  They offered to schedule me to test in a wider MRI machine and I happily took them up on that offer!  I’m so glad I did!  It was sooooo much better for me!  This machine was wide enough I think I would have been okay even if I had had to go in up to my neck, but they only needed me in up to my waist (makes so much more sense!).  Let’s just say I was almost giddy I was so happy and the test went absolutely fine!  Whewwww!!!!  Next step will be on Wednesday when I see the surgeon to go over the results!

We had our first ASL class on Monday night and it was awesome!  The instructor had some technical difficulties getting set up, so we got started late, but once things got rolling I thought it was great!  It was fun and informative and I believe all 22 students had a good experience.  I’m looking forward to the next session.  The instructor told me that about 3/4 of the next class will be considered a “deaf zone” and there will be no voices allowed, only signing.  That should be quite interesting, considering how little we know at this point.  This class is not a traditional ASL class.  It’s called “Easy Signing” and it’s geared to be very interactive and personalized to the specific needs of each class.  There is a book that we all have been assigned to read at home about a woman who also experienced sudden hearing loss and I have found it very interesting for obvious reasons.  The teacher gave me a copy that was signed by the author, which I thought was really nice.   I found a couple of apps for my Nook Tablet that show ASL signs and I think they will be a great help for me as I try to learn this.  My family has been signing and it’s great practice!  I need it at this point!  Cody’s remembering a lot more than I am!

Today I was thinking about controlling our thoughts.  For years I have had an odd thing happen to me….when I am deep in thought I often say out loud what’s going through my head without being aware of it.  Think about that for a second!  Does anyone really want any random thought that goes through their head to be spoken out loud without their knowledge?  I sure don’t!  It’s weird.  The kids tease me and when they were young they’d just say “Mom, you’re doing it again!”  Back then what I would say would be in more of a whisper, so it wasn’t always clear what was being said to those who could hear me.  It seems like I haven’t done it much until lately (although I’m home alone more than I used to be now that the kids are mostly grown, so maybe there just isn’t anyone around to hear it and tell me about it anymore!) Recently, I’ve been “doing it again” only out loud and in words that are discernible!  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I have lots of dark or inappropriate thoughts that are spewing out of my mouth!  Usually when I’m deepest in thought is when I’m working out a problem or frustrated and I tend to go over the “scenario” multiple times in my head or replay it saying what I should have said or how I should have handled the situation, or will handle the situation or whatever!  One of my favorite scriptures is Philippians 4:8:  Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.  I think about this often and consider it one of the key scriptures for life:  you can’t really have a bad attitude about something or have trouble forgiving or whatever if you don’t dwell on the wrong things.  I was saying my thoughts aloud this morning without being aware of it, and Kinsey came in and repeated a couple of sentences that I had said.  Initially, I thought she must have misunderstood.  I didn’t think I had been thinking  those things.  Then I realized that I WAS thinking about those things!  Nothing horrible, just thinking about something I found frustrating and it reminded me that I need to be careful what I allow myself to think.  I was considering that in the context of speaking my thoughts without realizing it, then it occurred to me that we all should probably be watching what we allow ourselves to think about regardless of whether we say our thoughts out loud or not!  Of course, considering how to handle a situation is a good thing and we need to evaluate problems or issues, but there’s a difference between doing that, and dwelling on them and allowing ourselves to get worked up or stay upset or frustrated.  That’s when we need to control our thoughts.  Anyhow, thought I’d share!

Today was the day I saw the orthopedic surgeon to check out my knee.  He suspects a torn meniscus, but wants me to have an MRI to see exactly what’s up.  That is scheduled for tomorrow, then I will follow-up with him to go over the result on Wednesday of next week.  If it is a torn meniscus, then he said it’s likely (not definite) that I would need some arthroscopic surgery on it.  Time will tell!

So far, no more problems with my hearing.  I’ve been reading the book we were assigned to read in ASL class, and I can tell you that after reading some of the info it contains I am incredibly thankful that I don’t have any vertigo (dizziness)  or balance problems along with my hearing episodes.  Apparently, about 50% of people with SSHL do, and it can be very bad and life changing!  Also, many people have problems with tinnitus (ringing in the ears or other sounds), and I only have a minimal amount of that from time to time.  Really really thankful that I’m in the 50% that do not have these things.  The hearing adjustments a hard enough and life changing enough.  I can’t imagine dealing with the severe symptoms the author of this book dealt with along with that.

Today, my face once again is noticeably more puffy than it was yesterday (at least to me!).  Parts of my eyelids are puffed out over my eye!  Ugh…I’m sure that means the rest of me is more puffed up, too, it’s just not as easy to see.  I think I’m going to need to learn some tricks with makeup! I wonder how this is affecting my knee and recovering from that injury.  Tomorrow is my doctor’s appt. with an orthopedic specialist to see what’s going on with that.  Hopefully I won’t need surgery, just time and maybe some exercises to strengthen it.  We shall see.  No more problems with my hearing since Wednesday, so that’s good news.  Tonight is the first sign language class, so I’m really looking forward to that!  My “loaner” hearing aid quit working again, so I’ll be winging it tonight, but the instructor told me not to worry about it…it will be fine….that’s kind of the point of sign language after all! 🙂

Some days I don’t blog just because I feel like I need to have some profound thought to share and let’s face it…no one has profound thoughts every day!  Some have told me that they check in every day to see if I’ve written anything, and miss it when I don’t write.  First, thank you for checking in and reading what I write!  It’s good to know someone out there is doing that!  My site shows me how many hits I have , but not who is visiting or following me, so I really have no clue unless you leave comments or have told me you read it!  I really appreciate your interest and that there are some who want to stay updated with the happenings for me and have been encouraged by what they’ve read.  That means a lot to me.

In some ways it seems like life is settling back in to “normal” again since all of this recent stuff with my hearing has taken place.  I’m getting used to having to let people know I’m not following what they are saying, and people are getting used to acknowledging that and repeating.  I really do appreciate the patience my friends and family are showing in this area and the fact that they are willing to repeat things (sometimes more than once).  I will be very interested to see how much my hearing aids will help when they are back from being repaired and are actually fine tuned to meet my specific needs.  I’m hoping it will simplify things considerably.  I noticed yesterday in church that singing is so much easier than it was a couple of months ago.  I’m  happy about that!  Now that voices sound more human again, the melody sounds more like it should to me (not exactly, but much closer) and I am apparently hearing my own voice better, so I’m not getting the “you’re too loud” signals anymore from the ones trying to help me with my volume.

The fluctuations I had with my hearing last week have made me realize once again, that all of this improvement could be fleeting.  I could lose more or all of my hearing at any time.  It reminds me of the scriptures that talk about how fleeting life is.  None of us knows how many more days we’ll have here on earth.  None of us knows what waits for us tomorrow.  It could be a life changing event, it could be a trial, it could be business as usual.  We just don’t know.  We do know who is in control and we don’t have to (and shouldn’t) worry.  We just take it one day at a time, and live that day as if it could be our last, because it could be.  Don’t put off making relationships right, repenting of anything you need to, making each day count in service to others and bringing glory to God…Stay strong in the faith and be prepared for whatever the day holds.  Be grateful for the blessings you have.  Those are the things going through my mind today.

Today it was mostly good news at the doctor’s office.  My hearing test shows that my hearing is back where it was a couple of weeks ago, so that means that the things that happened over the last few days were temporary fluctuations rather than permanent drops in my hearing.  That was great news!  The doctor feels pretty certain that what I have is inner ear autoimmune disease.  He discussed a test that was done on animals regarding a course of treatment that was effective, but explained that it doesn’t necessarily mean it will react the same way in humans. It is  a way to treat for autoimmune problems, so that is why he chose the course of action that he did.  Basically, he wants me to go on a 6 month course of steroids.  It will be at the same dose I’m on now (20 mg).  We discussed once again the side effects and I shared with him some of my concerns about continuing with steroids, but the conclusion at the end of the discussion was that the benefit far outweighs the risk for me now and he recommends that I do it.  I decided to take his advice.  He said it’s important for me to do the entire 6 month course to get the benefit. I told him that I feel that some of the side effects I’ve experienced are improving…I thought due to getting down to a lower dose, so I was thinking I might not have too many side effects at this dose.  He said that’s not the case and that I will gain weight and my face will puff up more (!!!) …it’s pretty unavoidable.  Not something I’m looking forward to, but worth it if my hearing becomes and stays stable.  He wants to see me in the office if I have any more fluctuations or drops in hearing.  It’s important to catch them as early as possible.  So….the good news is that my hearing fluctuations did not result in permanent hearing loss and we are not at a point of saying that  treatment isn’t working and allowing nature to take it’s course.  I also see it as good news if we finally have a diagnosis.  The only downside is more months of side effects from the prednisone.  Hopefully they will be minimal.  Please pray that that will be the case.  I appreciate all of you who take the time to check in on me here and take the time to read my blog!  I also appreciate the prayers and encouragement!

I did make the call to the clinic yesterday and I will have another hearing test and meet with the doctor tomorrow.  My question on the phone yesterday was basically asking what our goal is at this point.  Are we trying to recover any hearing lost (again) and actively treating to try to achieve that goal or does the fact that I’ve lost some hearing while on steroids mean that we’ve already done all we can and it’s not working so the goal is just to get me off the steroids and it is what it is? I’m assuming that’s what we’ll be discussing tomorrow.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about gratitude.  There are so many ways that it has an impact.  I think that sometimes we appreciate things that someone else has said or done and we just don’t always think to let them know that we appreciate it.  Have you ever noticed how much difference a simple thanks or acknowledgment of something you’ve done or said can make your day?  What an encouragement that can be!  Seems like it often happens at just the time you could use a little mental boost!  I’m really trying to make a point of expressing my appreciation to others.  It’s such a small way to encourage someone else and it’s good for us, too, to be thinking that way.

I also think about it from the aspect of the attitude christians should have.  We’re told in scripture to be thankful.  The first thing we should be thankful for is salvation.  I think that so many petty and bad attitudes would be eliminated if we just kept this in the front of our minds and had the deep appreciation we should that even though we are sinners, Christ died for us and we have the opportunity to be saved.  When we really appreciate that, it’s easy to forgive others and have patience with others as they try to walk the christian walk.  I think about enduring trials.  When we are looking for the positives in whatever situation we find ourselves in, and are thankful for those things, it’s easier to endure and find joy whatever our circumstances.  I think about the scripture that talks about being content…again, when we appreciate what we have and are grateful for it we are not focusing on the negatives and it’s easy to be content.  It’s true in a marriage, in friendships, at work, with kids, with your local congregation…the list is unending.

Seems to me that learning to be grateful is one of the most important qualities that we, as christians, need possess.  We need to show that gratitude to others, and we need to show it to God, and give Him the credit He is due.  When we are truly grateful and looking for the positive things in our lives,  expressing appreciation and giving credit where credit is due, we’re helping our minds focus on the things we should.   Seems like a win/win scenario to me!

The doctor’s office finally called me back yesterday afternoon and told me that the he wants me to stay at the same level of prednisone, but just slow down the taper by a couple of extra weeks.  That surprised me, to be honest.  Today I once again noticed a drop in my hearing.  In a way, I’m glad that I’m not increasing the steroids and dealing with more risk/side effects, but it’s also discouraging because then it seems that what this all means is that the improvement I had was only temporary and is dependent on me being on steroids.  If that’s true, then maybe he’s not increasing my dose because if I’m still losing hearing while on steroids then ultimately they won’t stop my hearing loss from happening.  This is too critical for me to make assumptions about the doctor’s decision without making sure that there hasn’t been a mistake in communication at his office and I need to make them aware that I have probably lost more hearing this morning.

Yesterday I was reading in Ephesians, and I was thinking about the  instruction given to slaves:

Ephesians 6:5-8:  Slaves, be obedient to those who are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in the sincerity of your heart, as to Christ; not by way of eyeservice, as men-pleasers, but as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart.  With good will render service, as to the Lord, and not to men, knowing that whatever good thing each one does, this he will receive back from the Lord, whether slave or free.

Over the last few days I have noticed a few things that have made me wonder if my hearing was starting to change again.  Nothing too major, just some odd popping sounds (that happened for a couple of weeks around the time I lost hearing last time) and a few other moments when I thought I might not be hearing as well, but wasn’t sure.  Yesterday morning while I was talking to my daughter, Kinsey, the volume of my own voice definitely went down (and has stayed there).  Not as low as before, but it was a definite indication to me that things are changing again.   I put a call in to the doctor, and am waiting to hear back.  Last appointment, he told me to call if there were any changes in my hearing and he would probably increase my steroid dose and slow down the taper.  I’m guessing that is what will happen when they get back with me today.  It’s got me thinking about things.  If my hearing is only going to stay stable while I’m on steroids,  then maybe I should just let things happen and adjust and move on.  I can’t be on steroids indefinitely, and  it’s been better this past week, but the 2 weeks before that I was noticing a lot of irregular heartbeat episodes (harmless, but to me an indication that this is definitely taking a toll on my system) plus I’m still much more out of breath than normal.  I don’t want to continue to put myself at risk for other more serious problems by taking these steroids for too long.  It would make  a difference in my decision if I could know if my hearing will  be stable for a long period of time or only for a short one.  I guess I’ll see what the doctor says today and will probably continue with the steroids for now,  to see if we can get this stable for a longer period of time.  One of the things that I am hoping won’t happen again is losing the human quality of voices.  It was harder than I would have imagined for everyone to sound so monotone and mechanical and inhuman.  It’s one of the things I’ve enjoyed most and been grateful for …to hear those human qualities in people’s voices once again.  As before, these things are out of my control and I will adjust to whatever happens.  I would appreciate prayers for wisdom regarding these things and for my hearing to be stable.  Also for me to have the right attitude and perspective for whatever the answer is to those prayers.  Thanks!

A few weeks after my latest episode of hearing loss happened, I was online doing research and one of the things I checked out was American Sign Language (ASL) classes in our area.  I found an instructor who goes on site to teach Easy Signing classes and I was able to set up a class at our church building.  It will be one night a week in August and I’m really excited about it.  I don’t know if there will be a time when I will need to communicate with sign language all of the time, but I decided it would be a great tool for me to have in my “tool belt” as I go on this journey toward deafness.

Most of my immediate family will be taking it (my daughter just started a new job and doesn’t know yet if she will be able to, but we’re hoping it will work out for her, too) and at this time there are 22 total signed up for the class, which means there are quite a few of my church family who want to learn and will be able to communicate with me in this way!

Last night Chet and I met with the instructor.  I thought she was mostly wanting to see what the set up was for the class and talk about that, but it turned out to be mainly an interview with us.  She had a list of questions she asked me and basically wanted to know my story and assess where I am with my hearing ability as well as how I’m doing emotionally and mentally with the changes this has brought and how I feel it is impacting my life.  She also asked Chet some questions about how he is doing with all the changes.  I wasn’t expecting that, but I thought it was really good.  She video taped the interview (I might have primped a little beforehand if I had know about that!) and showed me a couple of video clips of past students of hers.  It was amazing to see the progress those students had made.  I even learned a couple of signs during the interview.  It took me several times to realize that she was wanting me to mimic her, but eventually I caught on! 🙂  She shared a little about herself, as well, and overall it made me feel quite comfortable with her.  This class is different than a traditional class would be.  It’s geared to be very interactive (and she tells me lots of fun!) and it is also tailored to some extent to specific interests/needs…in our case since we’re a church group there will be some vocabulary for that and part of the registration info asked what our favorite scriptures and hymns are, so I think that will be included in some way.  I am very excited about this and can’t wait to get started.  I think it’s a positive step in increasing my ability to function and I think that Debbie, the instructor, will be able to give me a lot of information about other resources available to help me as well.

I feel so blessed to have so many people who are here for me and giving me so much love and support and who want to be able to communicate with me, whatever happens!  I know there are many who aren’t able to participate in this class but are so very supportive and make so much effort to include me and help me all along the way!  Thank you for your prayers, your love (your hugs!) and your encouragement, and all of the extra effort you put forth (and it IS a lot of effort sometimes!) to keep me included and help me out when I have to rely on others to know or understand what’s going on!  I also so appreciate my hubby and kids who patiently repeat things to me sometimes several times before I get what they are saying, but they keep doing it and don’t just say “nevermind” and I really appreciate that!

Last night was another night for flock groups at our church.  Flock groups are what we call our small group gatherings.  We have a devotional and it is geared toward a more casual atmosphere and lots of discussion.  The last one I attended was the one I wrote about earlier that was so difficult and frustrating.  Last night, I knew going in that with no hearing aids (they are broken), I would not be able to hear much, if any, of what was being said.  The thought did occur to me that if I wasn’t going to be able to hear anything at all, should I even go?  Would it be worth driving an hour round trip into town for it (on crutches, no less, which takes even more effort to get out and about)?  I decided that it absolutely was worth going.  Even if I couldn’t hear, I would still be there and participate in what I could, and I would still be edified by being with other christians.  I want to continue my habit of being at everything I possibly can.  Maybe my presence would be an encouragement to someone else.  You never know.  We arrived a few minutes late and after we settled in there were some songs before the devotional and discussion.  I was able to hear some of the singing.  Chet shared a song book with me and pointed to the song that was announced so I would know which one it was.  I could hear him sing (he was sitting close to me and on my “good” side) and since I knew the songs and could hear him singing base, I could use that input plus watch the song leader’s mouth (across the room) and figure out where we were with the words in the song.  That meant I was able to sing along, too, and no one looked at me weirdly, so I think I sounded fairly normal!  Once the discussion started, I heard nothing.  Close to the end of the 45 minutes or so of devo/discussion Chet spoke up and I could understand him – that was when I figured out what the topic was.  As I was sitting there, I had some time to think (about 45 minutes – lol) and I realized that I was completely fine and content with sitting there and not knowing what was happening.  I remembered the previous one and how frustrating it was, and decided that the main difference was simply my expectations.  I knew before I arrived, that I probably would not be able to hear anything, and I was prepared for that to happen.  If I was wrong, and could hear more than expected, that would be a nice surprise and a bonus!  The first flock group, I didn’t know what to expect.  My next thought was about how that concept applies to just about everything in life!  As christians, we need to have realistic expectations.  The scriptures tell us what those should be.  Christians are not promised an easy life.  We’re told to expect trials and adversity.  We’re told to expect false teachers.  We’re told to expect many to fall away.  We’re told to expect persecution.  We’re also told that we can get through these things and that if we persevere and stay faithful, that we will be molded into what God wants us to be and that we will have salvation in the end.  Part of having realistic expectations is also being prepared for what you will face.  We don’t know exactly what our trials will be or what exactly we will encounter, but we do know that there will be trials, so we can prepare ourselves to the best of our ability to be ready for whatever comes our way.  Then, the situation doesn’t catch you off guard.  You know what to expect.  You’ve done what you can to prepare yourself. You don’t sit around thinking “Why me?”  You know these things are normal for christians.   It’s much easier to cope with things with that mindset.  We also learn from past experience.  My first flock group, I didn’t know what to expect.  After that bad experience, I spent some time evaluating what took place and trying to figure out if there was anything I could have done differently.  Then I used that information to help me have the right expectations the next time and to be more prepared.  I know that my flock group experience is a small thing in the big picture, but it made me think about this principle and I wanted to share.  After our devo, we had a meal and some fellowship and I enjoyed being with my christian family, as always.  I could converse with people one on one if they were close to me on the “good” side.  On the drive home, Chet filled me in on the topic of the devo and some of the discussion and asked my thoughts as well.  It was not the way I have participated in the past, but it was a way to participate.  I still got the benefit of some of the discussion.  Like so many other things in my life right now, I am just learning to adjust and adapt and go about things in a different way.

On Tuesday evening, I was unloading groceries from Sam’s Club.  Our house is a split level one, so when I bring in groceries, I generally only walk up a couple of stairs and set the groceries on the floor at the top, then back down and continue unloading.  Once they’re all in the house, then I go upstairs and take them the rest of the way to the kitchen.  It saves me from going up and down the entire flight of stairs a dozen or so times!  On Tuesday, I was backing down the bottom steps for the last time, and thought I’d reached the floor, but actually still had a step to go!  I fell and injured my knee in the process.  Ow!!!  I ended up going to the ER to get it checked out, and it’s sprained – probably some ligament damage.  Nothing appears completely torn, but they put me in an immobilizer and on crutches for a week, then I will follow-up with an orthopedic doctor if it still feels unstable.  Now, I am  limited in my mobility as well as limited in my ability to hear.  It has had me thinking about the body and how all of the parts have an important role to play.  Somehow, I think we don’t always appreciate all that those parts do until we have to do without them!  It’s been quite comical watching me try to get up from a seated position to a standing one with my one leg braced and perfectly straight!  Apparently many of our couches and chairs are pretty low!  Who knew?!  I’ve figured out which ones work better for me now! lol  We take forgranted the work those parts do until we injure or lose them, then we are reminded how vital they are!  Yes, the body can make adjustments and function without them, but it doesn’t work as well as it could and does with them!  When the Bible uses the body as an illustration when talking about the church it is such a vivid picture in my mind, especially now!  Every part has a role to play and every one is  important!  How much better we function as a church when every part is there and working properly!  It makes it  so much easier and more efficient to get things done.  I’m  thankful that we all have different talents and interests and bring different skills to the kingdom and that God’s plan is so perfect that we all make up one body that works together beautifully!